god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
