I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
