You'd love this place it's beautiful. Plus these people smell like garlic
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Randomize
