I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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