Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
