She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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