she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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