i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
Randomize
