I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Randomize
