her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize