He sent me a pic of his Junk. He said it was a Brett Farve valentine.
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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