you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
