When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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