Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize
