I think i sorta joined a cult last night
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
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