If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
a search helicopter?!
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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