I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
i keep walking around campus wondering if anyone is as stoned as i am
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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