I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
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