I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
