She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Randomize
