nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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