A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
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