how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
