what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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