meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Randomize