you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
Never visiting again. You guys drink like immortals
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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