She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
Randomize
