why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
I have a feeling this won't be the last time I wake up wrapped in a shower curtain with the words "Blame Bono" spray painted on it
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
