I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Randomize
