That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
