To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Is it wrong that I want to do a nude photo shoot with nothing but a light saber?
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
