I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
