could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
Randomize
