Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
