this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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