whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
only if we run a train.
done.
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
