were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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