OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
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