Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
