the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
So is he the one who got away?
They all got away. I’m a catch and release kind of girl.
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