The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Randomize
