I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
