shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
Randomize
