Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
