omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize