it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
