Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
