I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
