I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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