My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Randomize
