I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
Sext me about skeletons
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize