We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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