she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Randomize
