Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Randomize
