My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
